


Touch

by ironstrks



Category: MCU, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Distorted illusions, Fluff, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-25 20:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15648123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironstrks/pseuds/ironstrks
Summary: A gentle touch of his hand could make his illusion fade and yet he despises it when he touches something and it disintegrates before his empty eyes, hoping that he never laid his hand on the thing that he wish was a part of his reality.





	1. Chapter 1

**DAY 01**

 

Bucky picked up the second to the last box from the car and carefully put it on the entrance of Steve's apartment.

He went back to get the last one until his fingertips came in contact with the box. It slowly faded and Bucky removes his hand from where the last box was supposed to be.

_The illusions again._

Bucky has a certain condition wherein he cannot distinguish the truth from reality in his world until he touches it. When he does, it slowly fades away which he describes as something disintegrating into tiny bits if pieces and then blends in with the air. It's quite hard for him, since there were things he wish faded when he touched it while there were things he wished he never touched since he saw it fade and be one with the air. Not all of those things were totally gone though, it was just his brain messing up with him. Things that faded usually were just placed somewhere else, and it's quite a relief when he finds the real one, though that's never the case.

Steve looked at him in confusion as Bucky goes back to the apartment without any box.

"Just realized there weren't any more boxes", Bucky chuckled nervously.

Steve laughed as well.

"Anyways, welcome home, Buck. You'll be safe here." Steve said, putting his arm around the other's shoulder.

"T-thanks Steve," Bucky replied, looking down at the ground.

All his life he's always felt unsafe but here, it seemed like everything will be alright. As long as he has his friend Steve beside him, all his worries go away. He liked Steve, maybe a bit too much, but he's always thought that Steve wouldn't be able to reciprocate the love he has for him. Risking his friendship with the person he trusts the most will never happen and he just keeps all his feelings inside, just like how he've always been. How he wished that he could just touch love and make it fade away.

"Mind having a glass of water? You seem exhausted." A glass half-filled is now on the table, as he sits on the couch that's near it. He grabs the glass carefully, making sure it's real, and takes a sip after realizing it was.

He looked at Steve, who's drinking as well. It was weird; how the smallest things about him makes his heart flutter.

Steve put the glass down and smiled at him. He smiled back and turned around to take a closer look of his new home. It was very minimalistic, the beige walls and the, mostly, black and white furniture that's been placed in the room. He brushed his fingers on every furniture on his room, hoping nothing will fade away. It was very nice and cozy. He felt contented with everything that's happened today.

"Steve?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks again for letting me stay here."

"Of course, Buck. It's really nice to have company here. I've always felt lonely without anyone here by my side. I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad as well, Steve." he replied, smiling at him.

Bucky stood up and transferred the boxes to his room, slowly unpacking the things that he thought was important to him, putting it on the tiny wooden shelf and the black desk. In the middle of unpacking, he peeked out through the window, looking at the people 9 floors below them, busy walking down the streets as cars pass by.

He looked back at the desk and noticed a small potted cactus on the side of the desk. Is this another image from his mind? Confused, he touched the cactus and got pricked. His mind didn't really think about just picking up the pot instead. Afterwards, he called Steve. Steve rushed into the room, looking at Bucky in confusion as well.

"Why's there a cactus here?"

Steve hummed and responded, "Didn't think you'll be asking that type of question."

"Just thought you'd like something to take care of. I've personally named it Winter but you can change its name.", he added.

"Yeah, Winter's cute. Thanks, I guess."

Steve nodded and exited the room.

_He's adorable._

He sat on the bed and lied down after a few seconds. He was tired, despite the sun still shining through the window. He decided to take a nap and probably continue unpacking when he wakes up.

  
"Buck?", a familiar voice echoed in the room. He opened his eyes to see Steve that's been looking at him. He didn't respond due to still feeling a bit tired.

"Are you hungry?" Steve asked, that was replied with a nod.

"Okay, I'll be cooking fried chicken; sounds good?"

"Yes, thank you, Steve", Bucky responded, smiling at him and looking into his eyes

Steve let out a soft chuckle and patted Bucky's thigh twice before leaving the room.

Bucky tried to grab his phone to check through the internet but then his phone starts fading.

Shit. Where did he put it?

He stood up, looked at the table and saw his phone beside the cactus. He picked it up and started scrolling through different applications to waste time. 

After a few moments, he stood up to go to the kitchen. There he saw Steve with the food that has already been prepared on top of the marble table. They both sat down and started to talk about random topics and events.

"So, how's staying in here?" Steve asked.

"It's very comfortable in here, way better than where I lived back then. All I saw was darkness and gloom but I feel refreshed staying in your apartment.", he replied, grabbing a chicken leg that faded once again.

Hope Steve didn't notice that.

Steve acted unbothered which he was relieved by. "I'm glad you love it here."

"Love is a deep word, Steve. I couldn't love something that has only been with me for a day", Bucky blurted out, unsure why he even said that.

Steve looked at him and smiled.

"You're cute. Maybe, 'like' is a better way to put what I said earlier."

_Cute?_

"Uh, yeah, maybe," he stuttered.

Why?

They ate in an atmosphere surrounded with soundless noise. It was suddenly quite awkward, which he truly dislikes but he doesn't know what else to say.

After finishing their meal, Bucky helped with cleaning the dishes. Despite the rest he had awhile ago, he still felt like his eyes were heavy and his arms could barely lift a feather. He washed, brushed his teeth, and bid goodnight to Steve.

"Goodnight, Steve."

"Goodnight, Buck."

_I like you._

He walked slowly to the hallway leading to his room, entering it and opening the lamp. He looked at the boxes near his tired feet and thought about unpacking it tomorrow.

He sat on the bed, and lied down after a few seconds. He tucked himself in the blanket, turned to the side facing the beige wall, and felt his eyes involuntary closing.

_Goodnight._

 

**DAY 02**

 

It was morning. He woke up in the same beige ceiling. He looked around, everything was still the same. He was still happy; nothing has changed.

Bucky stood up to water the cactus, pouring a few milliliters of water onto the plant. It made him calm and happy, to have something to take care of. He sat down on the chair, wrote a few things on his journal, and went out of his room to see his friend sleeping on the couch with a spilled glass of water on the table beside him.

_Must have fell asleep._

Bucky looked at Steve; it was beautiful. Looking at the man who makes him feel safe was breathtaking and it makes his heart flutter.

After deciding to not wake up the other, he went to the kitchen to make breakfast for Steve and cleaned up the spilled water from the table.

While preparing, he heard Steve walking towards the kitchen, probably woken up by the sounds of the pans.

"Morning, Steve."

"Hmm", he replied, half asleep.

"I made breakfast for the both of us," he added, while placing the plates on the table.

"Hmm, thanks, Buck,"

Bucky smiled and sat down with him on the table, and ate in silence, due to Steve still not being able to talk or think properly.

He washed the dishes afterwards while Steve went back to the couch, sat there, and stared at the wall for a good ten minutes.

_Weird._

Bucky cleared his throat before asking if everything's alright with his friend.

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm just tired. Sorry for making you worry, Buck."

"Yeah, it's alright. Get some more rest, Steve", he replied, leaving his friend to rest in his bedroom.

He went back to his own room and used his phone to pass time.

After an hour, Steve knocked on the door of his room and talked to him.

"I need to go meet Tony, it's quite urgent. I'm really sorry if I have to leave you for a few hours. You can go outside though, I'll be leaving the spare keys on the counter."

"Sure thing, Steve. I understand. No need to worry about me."

Then, he acknowledged him, said goodbye, and left immediately.

Bucky changed his clothes, planning on going out for lunch by himself at a nearby restaurant.

He got the keys, his phone, and his wallet, and left the apartment. He planned on walking on the way to the restaurant since it's just a block away.

He plugged his earphones, listened to some shuffled music that's downloaded on his phone, and started walking calmly.

After a few minutes, he was already a few meters near the place, tons of customers coming in to dine.

_There it is._

He went inside and scanned through the place.

"Good afternoon, sir. Table for how many people?", the waiter asked, his eyes shining bright, full of joy.

Bucky smiled a bit and told him that he's the only person who'll be dining.

The waiter pointed at an empty round table with two chairs and a flowerpot in the middle. He sat down and the waiter gave him the menu. He scanned through the pages, his eyes landing on the Filet Mignon. 

He called the same waiter and ordered the steak. Afterwards, he waited and looked around the restaurant, seeing if he sees someone familiar to him. 

_None._

He ate, enjoyed his meal, and left, thinking about going back to the apartment.

Enjoying his time alone, he walked slowly towards the apartment, inhaling the fresh, or maybe not-so-fresh, air of the city.

Entering the apartment, he sees Steve inside.

_Hm, that was quick. Never expected him to come home this early._

Steve looked startled, probably not expecting Bucky to be arriving as well.

"Ah, sorry," Steve chuckled, realizing how he looked and acted.

Bucky laughed shyly, looking at the ground. "It's alright."

Steve smiled and started a new conversation.

"Natasha will be coming here on Friday, which is three days from now. We'll just be talking about some work stuff. Hope you don't mind."

"Yeah, sure. No biggie.", he replied.

_It's a biggie._

Natasha had always left a weird vibe for Bucky. She's a great person overall but maybe it's because of how touchy she is with Steve. He doesn't like seeing them having eye contacts or brushing their hands on the other's forearm. 

_He'll just lock himself in the room and pretend he doesn't exist._

Bucky sighed and went to his room, Steve unsuspecting about anything. 

He stayed in his room for the rest of the day, not leaving it until it was dinner time.

"Hey Buck", Steve greeted while chopping vegetables.

Bucky only managed to let out a faint smile and went on to help him prepare dinner.

 _This is cute. How they're making dinner together, just like how couples do- Fuck. Stop thinking about such things, Bucky_.

He brushed his thoughts off his head and proceeded to bring the dishes to the table and eat with Steve.

It was quite uneventful and quiet. Nothing much happened; they sat there and ate and Bucky would subtly look at Steve's eyes because that's a normal thing to do. 

_Weird. He never touched anything today that faded, or did he not touch much things today?_

He looked at his two hands in confusion.

He never thought about it more deeply and washed the dishes instead. 

"Uh Buck?" Steve called.

Bucky hummed in response.

"Want to watch a movie after my meeting with Nat on friday?"

_A platonic date? Is that what it is?_

"Sure, Steve. I'd love to. Just the two of us?"

"Yep, just the two of us", Steve smiled in response.

_Yep, a platonic date._

Bucky nodded and said goodnight to Steve, who also bid goodnight to him.

He went to his room, wrote in his journal, and lied down on his bed. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: isolation, anxiousness

**DAY 03**

He wakes up in fear, knowing that his so-called-death will happen on Friday. He feels really anxious about seeing Natasha, not really knowing how to act around her without looking too suspicious. He tries to stand up but he mentally can't. The event is just stuck on his mind and he doesn't know what to do about it. It's like going back to his old home, full of anguish and emptiness. He lies down for a few hours more, not wanting to get up and see the person who he knows will be a part of his heartbreak soon.

Steve wasn't coming to his room, knocking on the door.

_Whatever. Steve doesn't care about him anyways._

Bucky's eyebrows furrowed as he turns around, now facing the wall. His heart is full of hurt and hatred. He hates how Steve has affected him this much. He looks at his phone and sees a text from Steve.

"Hey Buck. Hope you're doing fine. Had an errand with the team and didn't want to disturb your sleep, so I left without notice. I apologize, Bucky. I'll be back in the evening."

_Oh, so he cares about him._

Bucky sighed and slid his phone below the pillow, and slept some more.

He woke up, feeling hungry. He looks at the ceiling, not wanting to get up. He sits down on the bed lazily and tries to grab a bag that's full of his snacks.

_This will do._

He got a pack of cookies and a bottle of water from the same bag and ate it slowly. He hates how his day is going horribly wrong and he just angrily eats the last cookie from the pack. He chugged down some water and lied down again.

He hates this feeling a lot, but it's better than trying to make himself function like a normal human being when in fact he doesn't feel like one at the moment. There's like a huge boulder on his chest, trying to not make him do anything and it is definitely working.

He never left the room that day, unless he had to go to the washroom, which was just near his bedroom and only ate a few snack from his bag. Luckily, Steve arrived late and didn't notice that none of the eating utensils were touched.

Steve softly knocks on the door of Bucky's room, wherein there was no response. He figured out that Bucky was already asleep but little did he know that Bucky was just looking at the window in his room, staring blankly at the night streets, the tiny people passing by.

How he wished that he had the energy to live like them as well. He barely moved today but he already feels tired. He slumped at the ledge of the window, looking down some more. He watched the cars pass by and felt the cold wind gentle brush on his face.

He didn't cry today, but he never smiled as well. His heart and mind felt empty and he did not know how to fill that void. He doesn't have the guts to tell Steve about how he feels about his life. He finds it irrational to be anxious about a girl who he's jealous of just because she's all touchy towards the guy he likes.

Well, moreover the fact that the root of the problem was his feelings with Steve, therefore it would make him indirectly confess to Steve and that's definitely not a part of his lifetime plan.

He didn't want to ruin his friendship with Steve and confessing could just break them apart. He doesn't care about breaking apart just because he lives in Steve's apartment but because of all the good memories they had together and how their past tragedies made them closer with one another. Steve never left Bucky up to the point that he was willing to sacrifice his own life for Bucky and it hurts him a lot: how much Steve loves him as a friend.

He had another heavy feeling on his chest, and he didn't know what to do about it. He closed the window, stood up, and went to his journal. He wrote a few words on it, not having the energy to jot down a ton of words, and sat down on his bed. He got a half-full bottle of water and drank the contents of it before scrolling through his phone meaninglessly to pass time.

He lied down again, sighs deeply in frustration, and slept his way through the night.

**DAY 04**

He was awoken by a knock on the door of his room. He stood up, his feet dragging onto the ground, his shoulders and eyes were droopy. He still felt horrible and empty, which he already expected. He opens the locked door, looking at Steve in the best way he could, which wasn't that great.

Steve looked a bit concerned, his eyes filled with sadness. Steve cleared his throat and asked Bucky in a soft tone, "Hey, you alright? Seems like you didn't touch the plates yesterday."

Bucky tried to smile. He tried his best.

"Yep, I'm alright, Steve. Was just a bit t-tired yesterday. I'm so sorry, Steve", Bucky was trying to hold back his tears.

Steve opened his arms and hugged him. He never faded. It felt like a blanket, warm and cozy. He never wanted to let go of Steve. He hugged Steve until the pain in his heart goes away.

_Fuck. Is this too much?_

His grip loosens as he thinks that Steve may be uncomfortable with what's happening. Steve noticed it and hugged Bucky tighter.

"It's alright. Hug me forever, Buck."

_Oh how he wished that he could do such thing._

_Wait- Shit. Does Steve like him?_

Bucky blushes hard as his face gets buried unto Steve's solid chest. He never really expects Steve to like him back but, sometimes, his actions make him think so.

Steve finally lets go of Bucky and he tries to keep all his feelings inside.

"You can always talk to me, Bucky. I care about you a lot."

"Thank you, Steve."

Steve looked at Bucky longingly in the eyes, asking if him wanted to eat soup for breakfast to make him feel a bit better.

Bucky agreed and Steve put his arm over Bucky's metal shoulder, walking their way through the dining area.

"Just sit there, okay? I'll be preparing our breakfast"

Bucky smiled and nodded. He saw the utensils already settled on the table.

_Why are there three spoons?_

He reached for the extra spoon next to another and it faded.

_Of course. Why did he even ask?_

He sat down quietly, resisting himself from playing with the utensils.

Then, he heard Steve's footsteps and saw him carrying a large bowl of mushroom soup, which is one of his favorites. Bucky's eyes lit up in slight happiness as he looked at the soup being put down in the middle of the table. Steve slowly dipped in the ladle and sat down with Bucky.

"You like mushroom soup, right?"

Bucky nodded and smiled in anticipation which made Steve smile.

"Enjoy."

Steve served Bucky soup before getting for himself.

Bucky ate happily and it made Steve happy, to see his friend's face lit up a bit. He knew that there was something wrong with Bucky but he didn't really want to ask him about it. All he cares about now is Bucky's happiness.

Bucky insisted on washing the dishes and Steve wanted to know more about how he's currently feeling right now.

"Are you feeling better now?"

"Better, but not the best. I really apologize about the thing awhile ago."

"No biggie, Buck. I'll be here with you till the end of the line, remember?"

"Of course I remember that, Steve", he chuckled. He'll never forget that, it's like the words were already engraved on his heart.

Steve laughed and excused himself, and probably washed his hands in the washroom.

_Nonetheless, Steve has taken good care of him and he'll never replace that with anything in the world. For once, he forgot all the worries he had about tomorro-_

_Fucking hell. Tomorrow._

He tried brushing it off his head, trying to bring back his genuine happiness that was there a few seconds ago.

_Great. His own mind screwed up his happiness._

After washing the dishes, he went back to his room and looked at the window. He observed the people walking. It was quite relaxing and it takes his mind out of his worries for a while. Steve sees him staring at the window, for his bedroom door was completely open.

"Hey Buck. Looking outside, I see."

"Yep. It's nice to see the people passing by."

Steve chuckled and added that he used to do that as well when he's stressed.

Bucky acknowledged the statement, not wanting to say that that's what he does as well.

Afterwards, Steve left Bucky alone as he looked outside the window for a few more minutes before writing on his journal again, doodling the things he saw outside the window awhile ago and wrote about his true feelings. He felt better than yesterday, but he's still feeling anxious about tomorrow.

A few hours pass by and it's lunchtime, which Bucky chose to skip today because of the amount of mushroom soup he ate awhile ago, which made Steve laugh for a solid 5 minutes.

_It's cute how Steve laughs at the lamest stuff._

Bucky opted to rest again to probably make him feel better and woke up at around 4 in the afternoon. He thought about going to the gym on the 7th floor of the building. He wore his gym clothes and bid goodbye to Steve.

The gym was surprisingly huge and had tons of equipment that are available. Beside the gym was a large indoor pool and he planned on diving there soon. He enjoyed trying every single equipment on the gym for two hours and got back up to have dinner with Steve.

"Had fun?", Steve greeted.

"Of course," Bucky said shyly.

"I'm glad. I've prepared our dinner already," Steve said, smiling at him.

Bucky nodded and sat down with Steve to eat roasted chicken and the leftover soup awhile ago.

_Steve really cooks amazing food._

He looks at Steve once more. He's honestly astonished at how handsome Steve is and he may or may not have dropped his jaw in awe. It's such a normal day and yet he could look so good without even trying. He looked away immediately, knowing that there's no heterosexual explanation to what he just did. He continued to eat with Steve and washed the dishes again.

_Guess that's what he does for not being the mister oh-look-I'm-perfect-at-everything-I-do, hinted to Steve Rogers._

He went to take a shower and was ready to go to sleep until Steve reminded him of his doom.

"Nat will be coming here tomorrow, okay?"

"Yep,"

And Steve nodded and said goodnight to his friend, with a big smile on his face.

"Goodnight, Steve."

_Hopefully, Bucky won't die tomorrow._

He went to his room, stared at the window for the last time today, and tried talking to the potted cactus in his room.

"You think tomorrow will be my suffering?"

_No answer._

"Or will I be kind of alright?"

_No answer again._

He sighed and told the cactus that he hopes everything will be fine tomorrow and that Natasha doesn't ask Steve out tomorrow for a date because he has a platonic date with Steve tomorrow, which he honestly hope wasn't platonic.

He went to his bed, covering himself with the warm blanket, and slowly fell asleep as the cold air rested upon the atmosphere of his room.


End file.
